Team of Funny Names – FOR (2)

And so, with a tear in my eye, we’ve reached the end of our quest to find the funniest footballing names. From Norman Conquest, Rod Fanni and Yaya Banana, all the way to Danger Fourpence, Sammy Ameobi and Britt Assombalonga, it’s been great fun compiling the list and producing the blog posts. The feedback has been mostly fantastic and that’s greatly appreciated. Thanks for that! As stated last time, the sheer volume of good forward options has enabled me to drag this series out slightly longer, so it’s time to finish on a high and blitz through the final nine strikers.

Johnny Moustache

Google this name and you’ll be surrounded by vintage furniture websites, that’s how little is known about the Ascot United player. Where are they from, you might ask? The Seychelles, where Moustache used to be national team captain. His facial hair is unknown and Johnny is normally in a hurry, but there’s no way a man with that name gets left off this comprehensive list.

David Goodwillie

A funny name in itself, Goodwillie already has a criminal record. He’s assaulted a man in a Stirling nightclub, knocked a doorman unconscious and was convicted of assault after a Glasgow takeaway incident. You want more? His name became even more striking after he was accused of rape in 2011. The victim recently waived her right to anonymity, although charges were originally dropped due to insufficient evidence. It’s hard to remember that there’s a football career in there and Goodwillie became Scottish PFA Young Player of the Year in 2011, before a failed move to Blackburn Rovers. He’s now back at Dundee United on loan.

Danny Invincible

Continuing the Scottish theme is Australia’s Danny Invincible, who was a very average player.  After scoring 32 goals in his eight years at Kilmarnock, he was a fan favourite but now plays his football in Thailand. Maybe not so invincible! However, his cult status did inspire a 2006 Mark Wahlberg film as well as a Tinie Tempah and Kelly Rowland song. Tempah, a known Killie fan, penned the song in 2010 after meeting Danny backstage at a gig.

Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink

Another Scottish link, as the 6ft 3in striker scored on his Celtic debut in 2006, before a stunning diving header against Barcelona in the Champions League. His 132 goals in Holland earned him a move to Celtic Park, as well as 17 Dutch international caps. His unusually long surname seems to be the equivalent of double-barrelling names in England, as The Guardian did some research. They found that “In the 17th Century, two farming families in the Enschede area of Holland intermarried. Both the Vennegoor and Hesselink names carried equal social weight and so they chose to use both”. In this case, ‘of’ translates as ‘or’, meaning his name indecisive name can be translated as Jan Vennegoor or Hesselink. When at Hull, they tried different lettering styles to fit it all on his shirt. After their initial giant loop reached the bottom of his shirt, they switched to a very thin font – he paid them back with only three goals. Stressed out by such incidents, Jan has now retired.

Creedence Clearwater Couto

“People often think that it’s a nickname but it’s not. It’s my real name and on my birth certificate”, Couto himself says. “The only thing I regret is that some people are more interested in me because of my name than my qualities as a footballer”. Erm, whoops. We’re interested in your qualities too! Although to be honest, they’re not much to shout about. Now aged 34, Couto has spent his career dwelling in the lower leagues of Brazil – apart from one loan spell in Belgium. This fortunate son nicknamed himself Paulista for simplicity (and probably his sanity) once he was named after the Fogerty brothers’late-60s Californian rock band. His parents were huge fans and he’s in great company – Roberto Carlos was named after a Grammy Award-winning singer and World Cup-winning captain Dunga is a translation of ‘Dopey’ from Snow White. Mary would be proud.

Honourable Mentions:

Demba Ba – Every chant in the world works for Demba Ba, try it out! It has repetition, is swift and he was great for Newcastle. All positives!

Ricky van Wolfswinkel – A slightly less glamorous name now he’s at Norwich, the Dutch striker sound like he should have rabies.

Michael Gash – The clue is in the name. Currently at Kidderminster.

Carlos Costly – The clue isn’t in the name. After a career in obscurity, the Honduran now plays in China and can probably be bought for a box of ice pops.

On that bombshell, it’s time to go. There’ll be other blogs on different subjects, so I’m not going at all actually. But no more ‘Team of Funny Names’ – these seven blog posts can be immortalised and hopefully, one day, will reach over 100 views. Hope you had almost as much fun reading as I had writing. Take care! And Merry Christmas!

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Team of Funny Names – CB

This is what autumnal Friday nights were made for, right? Sitting at home, drinking hot chocolate and reading some random bloke’s blog on mildly amusing footballer’s names. Thanks again for the feedback on the last two pieces; I don’t claim to be some great wordsmith – just a novice who isn’t sure whether that hyphen is the right choice. There are some cracking names for centre backs, so let’s crack on with it.

Yaya Banana

This 6ft 4in giant was highly regarded at one point although, at 22, there’s still plenty of time to fulfil that potential. In January 2012, the Cameroonian left Esperance Tunis to sign for French side Sochaux and some promising performances led to heavy links with Arsenal. Having slipped down the pecking order in Montbeliard, the defender was part of a bunch that was sent to Lausanne-Sport in Switzerland.

Mark de Man

Also a midfielder, the 30-year-old just had to be categorised as a defender with that name. Capped 5 times for Belgium, his career started at Anderlecht alongside Hoof de Ball and Cover de Near-post. Surprisingly, only de Man ‘made it’ and he soon signed for Holland’s Roda JC, before returning to his homeland with Beerschot in 2009. In a cruel twist of fate, his marking isn’t actually that good but his attributes were good enough to forge a professional career. After some time on Leuven, de Man now plays in the Belgian Third Division________

Danger Fourpence

I think we all have our favourite Zimbabwean footballer – it’s a crowded market – but please consider Danger Fourpence. Not only is his first name hazardous, his surname is the approximate transfer fee for his blockbuster move to from CAPS United to Kiglon Bird FC. Whilst budding daredevils claim that “Danger is my middle name”, Bond villain Fourpence outdoes them with minimal effort. To be fair, his country throws up many incredible names, with fellow footballers including Givemore Manuella, Method Mwanjali and Heavens Chinyama (really!). He’s not the first Zimbabwean to show up on my list (Laughter Chilembe) and he won’t be the last….

Argelico Fucks

Commonly known as Argel, the centre back is understandably embarrassed of his surname. After starting his career with Internacional, he gained his only cap for Brazil in a friendly against Honduras before playing in Japan. Unlike many other players on my list, he’s played for reputable clubs such as Santos, Porto, Palmeiras and Cruzeiro. However, a return to Portugal inadvertently gave him international headlines after Eurosport’s memorable ‘Fucks off to Benfica’ headline. Now aged 39, Argel is coach at Criciuma. In just four years, he has managed over a dozen clubs – apparently he fucks up a lot!

Rafael Scheidt

A name which sends shivers down the spines of Celtic fans. Thankfully, for the sake of comedy, Rafael was indeed Scheidt and became the highest profile flop of the Glaswegian club’s John Barnes-Kenny Dalglish disaster. Capped three times (in meaningless friendlies) for Brazil, the defender forged a good reputation with Gremio. Barnes was impressed with the ‘Greatest Hits’ video compiled by Rafael’s agent and proceeded to spend £4.8m on him. Struggling to settle and plagued by injuries, Scheidt turned out to be an awful defender and only made three appearances for Celtic. After a humiliating performance against Irish side Bray Wanderers, new boss Martin O’Neill allegedly told Scheidt that “I like footballers who aren’t like you. I like footballers who play well”. Ouch. He didn’t last much longer.

Honourable mentions:

Danny Shittu – Not as Shit as Scheidt, the Nigerian is a veteran of English football and currently plays for Millwall.

Nortei Nortey – Not the messiah, this 19-year-old was recently released by Chelsea after misdemeanours a string of knee injuries. Danny Dyer is a fan, but he’s still without a club.

Sokratis Papastathopoulos – A new £8m signing for the current ‘hipsters club’ Borussia Dortmund, this talented Greek cost a pretty penne. He bears Sokratis on the back of his shirt.

Exodus Geohaghon – 6ft 5in centre back currently at Worcester City. As his name suggests, he was released as part of Darlington’s firesale in 2012.

Have-a-Look Dube – ….I told you there’d be more Zimbabwean love! This subliminal message has so far failed to convince European giants to check him out.

Ugo Ehiogu – Former England international whose name is fantastic to say. With over 200 appearances for Aston Villa, his name is ALMOST a palindrome!

Centre backs, as well as strikers, look like my favourite collection of names. Have a nice week and come back soon for the next batch!