Team of Funny Names – GK

Do you know what the definition of ‘sad’ is? It’s when a 24-year-old uses his ‘Notepad’ smart phone app to instantly jot down footballer names that amuse him. What’s even sadder is when this list builds up over time, to the point where he NEEDS to put it out in public. Players are sorted by position with capital letters in just the right places. If you haven’t guessed by now, that man is me.

My friends are aware of this team, creatively known as ‘The Team of Funny Names’, but have never seen it in action. So in my debut blog, it’s time to sort this out and begin with the goalkeepers. Brazilian players don’t count – that’s cheating. Although there is something funny about Brazilian players nicknamed Alan, Douglas, Oscar and Fred – when you produce the amount of players that Brazil do, I guess you’ll eventually run out of the good ones! There’s a mix of x-rated names, clever names and ones that are simply fun to say. Apologies for being so…erm…dirty minded with some of these. So, without further ado….




Now this is a goalkeeper that doesn’t want any poachers in his box! Joaquim Manuel Sampaio da Silva is more than a funny name though – he has 32 caps for Portugal and played in the 2006 World Cup, as well as in the Champions League for Benfica and Braga. Good at snatching crosses, at one point he had to see off competition from fellow strange-name Hans-Jörg Butt. Quim recently reversed his decision to retire at the age of 37 and now plays for Aves, with squad number 75.

Fabián Assmann

The 27-year-old Argentine has spent his entire career (sans a year in Spain) at Independiente, but is yet to play for Argentina. Standing at 6ft 2, Assmann is a lifelong WWE fan and had an unhealthy obsession with Billy Gunn. When asked about a potential coaching career, he told of his plans to become an Assistant Manager. In the meantime, he aims to help Independiente get promoted and sell his D-Generation X merchandise.

Norman Conquest

A lot has been said about this player’s 1066 invasion of England but not much is known about his career between the sticks. Conquest played for many clubs in New South Wales and gained 11 caps for Australia. Incredibly, the cocky ‘keeper made a return to England in 1951 with an Australian Representative XI, intending to compound more misery on an innocent country. However, this time England emerged victorious and Norman was conquered in a 17-0 rout – a then world-record in international football. Unfortunately, none of the goal scorers was named William.

Honourable mentions

David Seaman – tossed out of the England team shortly after being lobbed by Ronaldinho.

Alphonse Areola – this perky youngster hasn’t yet made a tit of himself, with only 7 professional appearances and 2 caps for France U21s.

Peter Boleslaw Schmeichel – named after his mother’s unhealthy obsession with salad dishes.

Next up, I’ll be profiling the right-backs and/or left-backs (depending on numbers).


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